I AM BREATHING!!!

Dr Abeera Zafar Tarar

(Class of 2013)

Its 4 am in the morning. I am sitting in the medical ICU, being the doctor on duty, wrapped up in a shawl to kill the mild chill of early December. My eyes are aching, I have been up for more than 20 hours now. I cant take a nap because one of the four critical patients is extremely serious. My sleepy mind is taking a stroll back to the clothing store I visited this weekend. "Is the pink dress I bought ,better than the one I liked earlier? Ohhh I don’t know. I think the other one was better but it was too expensive. What a pity I had to leave a good dress".

"Dacter saab ye aik khoon ka intezaam ho gya’ aur kitnay chahye?" an attendant walks in the ICU.

"Ye aik lagwa daity hain pr aap jaldi se 3 aur bottles arrange karain. Apka patient serious hai" I tell him while signing the blood bag.

The worried attendant of the serious patient walks away hurriedly.

I look at the clock. "I am so tired". I think to myself. I am thinking about the argument I had with a friend ."Why can’t people act maturely" I feel angry all over again."life is tougher and sadder for sensitive and intelligent people" I remember this quote and smile."Obviously".

I get up and check BP of the critical patient who is on triple support. Still no improvement.

Her mother looks at me with hope in her eyes
 "theek hai dacter saab?"

"nahi abi bhi bohat kam hai, blood arrange karain jitni jaldi ho skay" I reply in a sympathetic tone.

I take back my position wrapping the shawl around me again. This hour of morning is making me sad, I am thinking about my life. No one understands me. No one knows how deeply I feel things. "life is so sad and unfair".

“LIFE IS SO SAD AND UNFAIR??”

This is being said by someone who is sitting comfortably, in a quite cozy place with people,  behaviors, and decisions , the most to worry about. Having 4 critical patients with tired, drained ,quite hopeless attendants sitting there with their loved ones, wondering if they ll ever make it back to life and I am thinking life is sad and unfair.

I have been hearing this a lot recently from people belonging to my age group, younger and older.

‘yar mujy depression ho raha hai’

‘I don’t feel like talking to anyone’

‘I am tired of my life’

‘kia yaar ye bhi koi life hai’

‘Banda kuch bhi ho bs sensitive na ho’

I have a mother of three children in front of me , brought to ICU today, had an IUD , underwent c –sect at some local hospital and got here with history of fits, high wbcs, severly acidotic picture, bruises appear wherever she is pricked , bpless, pulseless, we are taking every possible measure we can take , but somewhere deep down we know there are rare chances of her making it and all she wanted was another child. A 30 year young woman who is at verge of death in just a day. Her mother sitting on her bed side, sleepy, tired , weared off, her husband and brothers running around like crazy to get some blood arranged for her, and God knows if her children know what condition their mother is in  ‘And I am complaining my life to be unfair??’

The other patient next to her is an old lady with CLD and active bleed. Sangstaken passed, medications on the go and said to me , while I tried to counsel  her  into allowing me pass her a Foley’s ‘ main aisay hi fout hona chahti hun, is naali k sath nai’.

And I think I am sensitive?? Wow

Does a sensitive person feel his pain alone? And why just pain? Why doesn't a sensitive person feel happiness as deeply as he feels sadness? Why cant he be thankful to the extent he is being complaining? Why cant he see and feel how big he is blessed with all his loved ones sleeping peacefully at this hour ? why cant he appreciate the beauty in every moment? Why cant he be thankful for every Prayer that is answered , for every single thing he has been blessed with, without even asking for it? Why does he receive every blessing like he deserved it while start to question the love of his Creator on a grief? Is sensitivity the name of every negative emotion?

My heart is heavy. What if I were in place of any one of them? What if one day, my Allah gets angry for always being complaining, for always playing the victim, for always being unhappy about the trivial tests I have been put into? What will I do?  How can I do anything? I am, but a helpless human being.

I feel like I have been dead all this time. Not appreciating what I been blessed with instead mourning over what I couldn't get. Too dead to hear the laughter of the people I love, to see the huge privilege in the chance to get to meet them once in a while,  to talk to them, to fight with them. So what if few things might not go the way we wanted them to, so what if I have to face a few problems once in a blue moon. Isn't it my duty to turn to my Lord in my happiness or sadness? Shouldn't I be feeling thankful all the time? Shouldn't I be smiling at whatever comes my way for I know it is by Him and He loves me , He loves me more than 70 mothers.

I know I might get dead again tomorrow, I ll be again complaining, comparing my life with others, fighting, cursing but this moment, right here, right now

I AM ALIVE

I AM BREATHING…..