13 Reasons Why: Shaadi Season Edition. By~Romesa Qaiser Khan.

Warning: If you are someone who has gotten married or engaged recently or else are one of those people who are actually capable of being happy for other people instead of getting triggered like my sad, forever alone soul- this rant is not for you. 

We all see it. It's the giant elephant that crushes your soul every time you so much as try to refresh the news feed on facebook. A shaadi here, a shaadi there- actually shaadis everywhere. And if you're one of those adult-children who can't even take care of yourself, much less enter a life long binding commitment with another functional human being- then you'll catch the drift about just why shaadi kinda equals barbaadi for every single and not-ready-to-mingle individual.


Reason 1: From bhai to bae. Aik anokha safar.

It is a universal truth that if you are a desi person who has managed to reach the ripe age of 18 with a cousin around, you are definitely in need of a rishta from them. Who cares if you don't get along? If you've practically lived as siblings all these years? If you'd prefer not to pass all the accumulated crazy in your family onto your poor unsuspecting babies?


Reason 2: Rab ne bana di jodi. Phir ammi abu ne tor di.

Welcome to desiland. Where your phuppo, her kaamwali and even kaamwali's neighbour get a say in your life but you don't. Finding someone you actually like and know well? Yes. Is it your cousin? No. Go back to question one.




 Reason 3: Friendship with friends over, now husband is my new best friend.

This has to be the suckiest one yet because all of a sudden it's like desperate housewives in your social circle- literally AND figuratively- and you get left out of all the conversations about housework and babies and in laws  and you wonder if there's a hidden aunty that live inside all of us just waiting for that nikkah nama to come out.


Reason 4: Pyaar dosti hai.

NO BRO, DOSTI DOSTI HAI.

Happen to have friends from opposite gender? Brace yourself. Because obviously in the words of Mahatma Gandhi "aik larka aur larki kabhi dost nahi hosaktay" (he didn't say that but he might as well have for how diligently it's followed) Whoever heard of healthy, platonic relationships? Not us for sure.


Reason 5: Mullah ki daur masjid tak.

Career plans? Unnatural-make gol rotis. Travel plans? Mahram ke saath. Hopes and dreams? Har larki ka khawab hota hai aik chutki sundoor.
You have to get married so you might as well do it now, might as well give up on life because we all end up in the same place (I always thought that means the grave but apparently not.)


Reason 6: All my single ladies, aww my single ladies.

You're a strong independent woman who doesn't need no man? Pls. Everyone needs man. Man is love, man is life.You're just confused about what you want in life.

Still studying postgrad? Bechari. Moving abroad? Bechari. Want your own life? Bechari. Without two babies on each arm? Bechari.


Reason 7: Shaadi welfare society case no.38336

Your social circle getting married is kinda like adult chicken pox going around- if you have prior rishta set up- you're immune. But if you haven't .... you catch the craze. Every beta ap ki baari kab ayegi? Kab achi khabar sunain gi? Main koi rishta dekhun? Koi help to nahi chahiye? is an ugly fluid filled vesicle that itches at your conscience and scars you for life.


Reason 8: #Logkyakahainge -ruining lives since 1947.

Unless you're one of those miracle people who knows how to telepathically get involved with someone (special shout out to all the peeps I've never even seen talking but who are student life sweethearts now engaged), just stay away from all members of the opposite gender. It is perfectly acceptable to marry strangers, but you can't talk to one without ruining your reputation. Let the elders handle it okay? Mother knows best.


Reason 9: Kal ho na ho.

Gotta catch 'em all... while you can. Cinderella taught us but one thing: once you reach the unholy age of 30, you will turn into a toad that no one wants to marry. Biological clocks will tick in direct proportion to the desire of your parents to see their grandchildren in direct proportion to you getting older. Simple maths bro.


Reason 10: Zubaida appa ke totkay.

You can be anything you want. As long as it's fair and lovely. No place for anything else at the top of the rishta game. Agar patli nahi hogi to shaadi nahi hogi. Agar kaali hogi to shaadi nahi hogi. Basically if you're not a run-of-the-mill barbie prototype like every other girl of marriageable age out there, shaadi nahi hogi. So what are waiting for? Change yourself and do it now or else face the wrath of society.


Reason 11: Emotional blackmail.

Seeing other people's children getting married brings out all the hidden armaan of your parents. Every discussion turns to an argument turns to emotional blackmail turns to your defeat. They have your best interests at heart of course, it's just that those interests aren't yours. The minute you say yes is the minute it starts looking like a rerun of hum saath saath hain in your house.


Reason 12: Main aisa kyun hun.

Being constantly made unsure about your life choices takes it's toll on you no matter how strong you are. You start to doubt yourself. You wonder if it's not them that's the problem but you.You wonder if you'll have regrets or if you'll ever be good enough for someone. And that's literally the worst feeling in the world to have- miniature existential crises every few months.


Reason 13: *cue Linkin Park's Numb*

You know in the end despite everything, it will be your time when it's your time. No amount of pressure and tanaay baazi can change what's been written for you- shaadi or not, arranged or not, at 30 or not- so you just sit back and relax anyway, grateful for living your life your way as long as you can and even more grateful if you find somebody special along the way.