12 Things That Need To Stop Happening Right Now

By

Ammar Anwar

2nd Year MBBS

1. Sharing tweet screenshots on facebook

Recepie for instant social media stardom. Ingredients: Zero IQ, rotten sense of humor, a phone capable of taking screenshots and a twitter account. Voila!

The most infuriating thing about most of the "popular" Facebook pages these days is posting screenshots of tweets from certain people (I'm looking at you, Khawar Malik and Furqan Shayk). I get it if you find a good tweet and you feel the need to share it on your Facebook page so thousands of people could look at it and laugh. But what I fail to understand is, WHY the hell would you make photos that fail at resembling actual tweets, just to continue your stupid trend of sharing tweet screenshots on Facebook! Quite unsurprisingly, these idiots find actual followers on Facebook who are "into" this trend and some of the followers even try to make their own tweet screenshots just so, you know, take a shot at getting popular. Miserable failure is the ultimate result (also very unsurprising). 

They'll first get popular using this formula, and when they've achieved their goal, they will promote other idiots like them by sharing their made-in-microsoft-paint tweets.

They try to establish themselves as religious icons.

And offer relationship advice too. Sastay therapists.

Oh, and personal experiences. No, you're not the only one who has ever experienced this feeling, official person. Just because you have written "official" in your username doesn't mean others aren't capable of having the same "experiences" as you. 

Aur apni bandar jaisi shakal tou dekhi he nai.

What I fail to understand is, why have they written "official" in their usernames? WHY? Are they top notch celebrities with their own Walk of Fame stars? Are there so many people with their unique names that they just don't want anyone to confuse them with their official accounts? 

*sigh of utmost disappointment*

2. Using the word "potato" to imply cuteness

Potato is a vegetable. It is not cute. It is a vegetable. It is not an adorable child or a cartoon character. It is a freaking vegetable and IT IS NOT CUTE. 

Calm down, Ammar. Calm down.

What's that? Yeah. I am calm. Just look at these potato memes. Unacceptable.

And Bill Murray, I expected more from you than potato jokes. I hope this is not your official account, because I used to like you until I saw this ridiculous tweet.

3. Using bad grammar to sound adorable

The internet is full of cat memes that use inaccurate grammar to make the cats look adorable. But all they end up doing is making the cats look like idiots because they don't understand the concept of good, accurate grammar. 

For example:

Now, I get that this is a cute kitten. And it is sitting on a laptop asking a question. But in full view of the fact that the cat understands the scientific concept of warmth, how in the name of Hello Kitty does the cat not know correct grammar. This just pisses me off.

And this kitten just turned $uP3R k3wL by pressing her Pindi Cat button all of a sudden.

4. Horrible social media games for time pass

"I am in love with him. #Dare." 

If you like this status by any chance because your luck is especially rotten or you're having an impossibly bad day, you will get a message full of grammatical errors and non-sensical sentences that will "dare" you to put one of options as a status on Facebook. Unfortunately they don't give you the "Eat rat poison and die a terrible death by asphyxiation" option because I'll take that option ANYday over the ones offered to me by the message that has been clearly written by a drunk 2-year old hitting the keyboard on his head.

"Like this status and I'll give you three names. You have to write one good and one bad thing about each one of them. #BeforeItGetsMainstream." 

Really? You see this status a million times in your newsfeed and still don't feel like this is mainstream? I'd love to hear the definiton of the word "Mainstream" from these people, because they clearly have no firm grasp on the meaning of it. These people just keep asking specific peoples' names for the fun of it, and then tell everyone what falana wrote about you and what falana wrote about someone else. This is their first step in the training to become a certified Phabbey Kuttni. Just let them be as they are. Maybe one day their pea-brains will grow a conscience and they'll strangle themselves with their own statuses.

"Like this status for a TBH on your wall."

And then there are people who will make you cringe with the level of TC they are doing by offering TBH-for-like TBHs on Facebook. And if you're a girl and you put up this status and other girls like it? Wow. You should just see the level of fake compliements being thrown about and random TC being done of the people who you haven't even met EVER and are your Facebook friends for no reason other than that you were feeling miserable, lonely and useless when this random person sent you a Friend Request, which proved to be the best thing to happen to you since the very unfortunate incidence of your birth.

I have an advice for all of these people (as a strong, independent, black and borderline obese woman will say in some movie) : Kill yo'self.

5. Stupid lists and awful clickbates

If I had a nickel for every time I saw a clickbait bullshit article pop up in my newsfeed, I would be on the top of Forbe's Richest Men Alive list. From "Kya Saba Qamar aisa bhi kar sakti hai? Aap jaan kar heraan ho jayen ge" to "This man threw his child up in the air. What happens next will shock you." And when you open the freaking links, you discover that Saba Qamar bechari sneezed on some TV show and the man who threw his child caught him because he threw him up in the air a few inches (playfully) and not from the top story of the Burj Khalifa (murderingly).

Sites like Diply, Hello Giggles, Looper and many Pakistani ones use this ancient art of clickbating to drag unsuspecting and genuinely interested awaam to their sites via Facebook posts only to have them so disappointed they want to take a gun and shoot every single living thing in the shajra-e-nasb of the article writers. The Facebook posts show very irrelevant, taken-out-of-context photos which aren't even remotely concerned with the topic of the clickbait story, and the poor target unsuspectingly clicks on it, only to see links being redirected a trillion times to open the site. Many a times these posts explain everything in the link description of thumbnail on Facebook posts, but make you click on them just to see that small full-stop that they failed to add on the link description.

If I were Trump, I would banish these people on an island, build a wall around it and set it on fire. So long for the "Agay kya hua? Ye jan'ne ke liye link par click karen" bullshit.

6. Game of thrones spoilers

Okay, Monday is the Game of Thrones day. Every Monday morning at exactly 6 AM, the latest Game of Thrones episode drops on HBO Go. And roughly in an hour, when the episode ends, torrent sites like Kickass Torrents and Pirate Bay are swarmed with the Game of Thrones links of the highest quality. The most heartless and cruel people stay up all night in anticipation, watch the episode at the earliest and then take to Facebook to blurt out spoilers and their unwanted and unneeded opinion about the latest GoT episode, even when no one has ever begged them to do so. And the poor unsuspecting normal person wakes up as usual and opens his Facebook first thing in the morning, only to be greeted with episode ruining spoilers without warning written on them, and the poor unsuspecting normal person has no choice other than to write F-words and many other colorful insults in comments as to what did they ever do to deserve such gigantic spoilers, when all they wanted was to lay cozy in the bed with a cup of tea in one hand and cookies in the other, munching and enjoying the latest episode in the evening. But no, heartless and cruel spoiler-mongers have to go ruin the episode for you. Every. Damn. Time.

HAHAHA.

Just kidding, man. 

I love spoiling the episodes for the others! I AM that heartless, cruel person I just described above and I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE it. I absolutely freaking love putting gigantic spoilers on Facebook the first chance I get. Smash cut to the past, when I had not watched a single episode of Game of Thrones and wondered who the hell Jon Snow is and why the hell his death matters so much to the people of Facebook that they just won't shut the *beep* about it. And having been the victim of every single spoiler, from *spoiler for those poor souls who don't know what Game of Thrones is* Lord Eddard Stark's death to the Red Wedding to Jon Snow's death, I knew each and every spoiler and death on GoT years before I started binge watching it. And when I was all caught up and mega-fanned like all the other GoT audience, I took it upon me to teach everyone a lesson and spoil GoT for every single person, whether dost or dushman.

Sounds like a villian origin story, right? THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS ONE MUAHAHAHAHA *insert evil laugh here*

7. Fake compliments and comments

I covered this topic to some extent in the TBH and awful social media games thing, but fake compliments and comments don't stop there. They extend to every single post and tag. Even if a person looks like shit in the photo, is having a really bad hair day and his face looks as if it were smashed in by the Hulk, there is going to be that one guy or girl who is always going to write: "Looking $3XY man! Love you (insert a thousand kissing emojis here)" no matter how utterly awful the person looks in the photo. From "Cheesa Lag Raha Hai Janu" to "Those Hairs <3", these people don't know when or how to stop. I'm sure "cheesa" is not a word and the plural for "hair" is "hair", not "hairs" but who cares as long as the fake compliment means they'll get a like and comment back on their latest piece-of-crap post from the person they're fake-complimenting. And this doesn't just ring true for men, women do it WAYYY more than men. 

"Preeety Gurrrl" 
"Miss Uneeeverse" 
"Fab"
"Wooooooooah :* :* :*"

Amongst many other forms of fake compliments girls give eachother on Facebook. Be on the lookout, people. These fake-compliment-ers are everywhere.

8. Over popularising stupid people

Once upon a time, the world was a good place where people had to prove their talent in order to get lasting fame. But alas, times have changed. All you have to do these days to gain cheap 15-minutes-of-fame-that-last-lifetimes is to appear naked or partially naked in some photo or video (I'm looking at you, Kim Kardashian) and you'll get your own clothing brands, reality TV shows, mobile phone apps and much much more. 

OR if you don't have the privilege of being a talentless gora and are stuck with being a very talentless Pakistani, no problemo. Because Pakistanis LOOOOVE to over popularise idiots over nothing. If you're a guy, pretend to be an overly feminine homosexual (Abid Cutes) or fail at seducing your mobile's front camera (Qandeel Baloch) or voice your opinions loudly and offend everyone everywhere (Hamza Ali Abbasi) or make reality TV shows that look like spoofs of themselves (Waqar Zaka) or assault people with mangoes, make them tear their own clothes for a motorcycle, make them dip their faces in curry for an LED TV, lean against the balcony with your tongue out and rolling your eyes like a freaking goddamned lampoon on your live television transmission all while pretending to be a (or a gigantic slap on the face of) a religious "scholar" (Amir Liaquat) or be an out of work actor imitating Amir Liaquat on a rival channel (Fahad Mustafa). Pakistanis take pride in over popularising stupid people who have no talent other than getting on the nerves of sane and normal people like me and pissing us off to the extreme. 

Yep. Pole dancing in Ramzan transmission.
*sigh* 

9. Ra'ee ka pahar banana

Pakistanis especially seem to love doing this. They'll take a dot and turn that dot into a gigantic black hole of epic proportions. They'll totally do that Ra'ee ka pahar banana thing you read once in some urdu muhawara compilation years ago. Whenever there is even a single little thing happening anywhere that offends someone (unsurprisingly), everyone will try to make it the biggest thing that ever happened and leave no stone unturned in making a mountain out of a molehill (Wow I just used two idioms in a single sentence, yay me!).

10. Pretending to be religious scholars

There is a reason why religious scholars are called so, it's because they have enough religious knowledge and credibility in the field that they are allowed to say something regarding religion on a large scale. Not everyone is allowed to pass fatwas on their own or everyone would be a religious scholar of his own. Only trusted and authentic people are allowed to do so, but this is a fact the awaam doesn't understand. No, sir. They have to go around passing fatwas and offering best religious advice even if it is completely and blatantly incorrect. I know taking a few names for example will be like putting my hand in a hornet's nest so I'm going to stop right here before some Liberal Muslim puts a fatwa on me. Liberal Muslims are a dangerous species.

11. Donald Trump

Sure. Keep telling yourself that, if it helps you sleep better at night. 

I feel like this heading needs no other explanation other than mentioning just the name. But this guy is freaking nuts. He is the absolute worst and as I am sure, the most hated person alive, and to think that this is a future Presidential candidate for America, it is just bonkers. Although the USA deserves Donald Trump being the kind of nation they are, but the world does not deserve this orange haired walking piece of crap person. His blatant racism, hatred against Muslims and Mexicans, a clearly Anti-Muslim stance and Zero IQ make for a stinking mess of a person. And Donald Trump is exactly that. He has very real chances of becoming the next President of America, and if he does get elected, then God save us all.

12. Amir Liaquat & Fahad Mustafa

Wayyyyyyyyyy worse than Kim Kardashian. 

One of them claims to be a reknowned religious scholar. The other one claims to be a top notch actor and entertainer. Both are a dhabba on the face of religious scholarship and acting/entertaining. 

It was about four or five years ago when Amir Liaquat emerged as a prominent media personality, he also served in the government as a religious scholar and also had his well known show Alim Online and then Alim Aur Alam on Geo TV and ARY Digital. He hopped between different channels, but never once lost popularity. Then came that one day in the Summer of 2013 when a video went viral. In the video, the very well mannered and well known religious scholar Amir Liaquat was seen swearing profusely on camera and not only alone but also infront of some Moulana Sahibs. That day, Amir Liaquat lost all respect in my eyes. Sure, I hated his over acting during reciting naats etc. but this completely shocking. Of course, like every other viral video "victim" (focus on the commas here), Amir Liaquat blatantly claimed on live TV that he had no part in the formation of the video, that this was a nasty propaganda against him (for God knows what reason) and that the video was clearly dubbed via digital manipulation, when it clearly, clearly, clearly wasn't. This was just a way for him to gain more popularity in the media. And being the simple, douchebag-loving-awaam that we are, we chose to believe this icon of religious scholarship. And for the next year, he went off the scene, all the hype around that viral video died and then BAM. Out of no-freaking-goddamned-where, the revamped and re-beghairat-ified Amir Liaquat came into the scene with his widely watched lampoon festival, Inam Ghar. There, he exhibited some self control at first, but because he was an aik number ka beghairat under all that religious facade and show, he just burst open as the most beghairat person alive, forcing mangoes into peoples' mouths, saying Aam Khaye Ga, Aam?, forcing people to dance their honor off on the stage infront of the whole country's audience just for an LED TV, forcing people to tear their clothes off on TV, making people do things they would not have ever thought of doing in a million years and doing all of this in a live Ramadan TV transmission, and then just to remind everyone that he was a religious scholar not a professional dancer, he cried during duas and overacted while reciting beautiful naats. 

PRRREACH.

If this sounds like a hate letter to Amir Liaquat, it may well be, but for this man my hatred knows no limit. If this is what has become of our religious school of thought, God save us. Because this man has broken all bounds of moral code, ridiculing people just for the fun of it and taking all of their honor and trading it off for a mere motorcycle. In my honest opinion, I'd much rather die than ever engage in such an exchange, but being the very fun loving nation that we are, we just love to see a so-called-Mullah who doesn't leave any stone unturned in rubbing dirt in the face of actual, credible, respectable Islamic Scholarship. 

Yeah. Did I mention that he did his PhD in 20 days.
What's that?
Did I hear jaali degree? 

And following his trend on a rival channel, the second national lampoon, Fahad Mustafa rose to fame by following the footsteps of his damned mentor Amir Liaquat. Though his show is the most vile thing on TV ever, it isn't vile-r than the crap Amir Liaquat dishes out on live television all day everyday of Ramadan.

The only clickbait headline which I'm sure is true. 

Inspired by Amir Liaquat. 

*

The author is a 2nd Year MBBS student at King Edward Medical University. He loves movies and seasons and loves to talk about them, unless he finds things that need to stop happening instantly, in which case he must halt everything in order to write a list/article about them. If you don't agree with this list, your bad, because this is my opinion and I have just as much a right to voice my opinion about things as Hamza Ali Abbasi. So, Peace.